So, for those of you who don't know, I am incredibly musical, and basically wake up singing and tapping and anything else. This afternoon, as I was working on my computer, I found a playlist, "Amanda's Playlist". I knew instantly that this was Graham's playlist for his ex-girlfriend(I inherited his computer...), I spent the next three hours just sitting and listening to it, I'd heard all the songs on it, but it just spoke to me. I know it's titled Amanda's Playlist, but it was almost like Graham was speaking to me through the music, it was like Graham was reminding me that he's gone, but our God makes AMAZING things out of miserable circumstances. One of the songs' chorus actually SAY, "You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust. You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us." How encouraging is that?
The ONLY person that shared my intense passion for music in our family was Graham, so it just seemed very appropriate. I have always loved to sing, and when Graham began singing in his Junior year, I was thrilled. But, for those of you who didn't know Graham, he was a huge overachiever, and was good at basically everything he did, and singing was no exception. I'm gonna be honest, I was INCREDIBLY jealous when he "took the spotlight" from me, who had been singing since I could talk. This was incredibly shallow and self-centered, and it is one of those things that I know I will regret for a long time, why couldn't I just be happy? I was very proud and happy that I had someone who loved to sing as much as me, but it hurt to see him be better than me at something that was MINE, I was the singer! I did enjoy having someone who could just pick up a guitar or piano and we could jam for a while, and I miss that, but it just bothers me that I was secretly envious of his success.
Since Graham has passed, I have an even BIGGER passion for music(if that's even possible...), because I know that he will love it. Not because I'm singing it, but simply because it is music, and music is a part of him, just as it is a part of me. I know that Graham would be a proud big brother and was a proud big brother because of my passion for music, and every breakthrough I make in music, I think two things. 1, I thank God for the GIFT of music, and the impact it has me, and 2, I think, now I have another skill for Graham to enjoy!
Finding this playlist this afternoon was truly amazing. It seemed like a very personal message from Graham to me, saying that he will love me and be proud of me as long as I continue to sing and worship Christ through song, even if I never I improved at all in my music. I am so blessed to have a big brother who was so much like me! :)
<3 Always,
Rose
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