Today was one of those days that was really, truly HARD to find something to be happy about. Last night, I sprained my ankle, and because of the pain, got about 4 hours of sleep. I basically spent all day today in fairly immense pain, and in prayer.
Ankle ligaments, and ankles themselves are a bit like rubber bands. Once they get stretched out once, they won't ever be exactly the same. Each time someone sprains or breaks their ankle, the ligaments become a little bit more stretched out. All of my life, I have had chronic ankle problems, I had my first sprain when I was 9, and in the last 10 years, I have had 14 more sprains and 2 breaks, so when I mess up my ankle, it scares me. Because of the fact that ankle ligaments never fully repair themselves, there is a surgery to try and "repair" the ligaments, only it is not a permanent fix, it is something that would probably have to be done over and over again. I remember the last time I did anything to my ankle, the doctor told my Dad and I after I had healed that he wouldn't consider surgery because I was so young(I was 17 at the time), but if it happened again, we may have to start seriously considering surgery. Now THAT, is scary. Especially knowing that it's not a permanent fix, and I AM 19 years old. I've already had at most 12 surgeries, and if it turns out that I have done more than just sprain it, that number might go up pretty quickly.
So, I spent a lot of today just stressing about it, and worrying about how would my parents pay for it, how would this affect me long term, stuff like that. I am the kind of person that even though I KNOW, it's not my job to worry about how my parents would pay for my surgery, or my cast, or whatever is needed, I'm going to do it anyway, that's just who I am. I spent most of this afternoon fairly miserable, obviously I was in a lot of pain, but more than that, I was stressing, and I was lonely. I wanted to be able to go to youth group, or to go to play outside with the boys, but at the same time I know, this is a very crucial stage. I need to let my ankle heal itself, because the more weight and pressure I put on it when I know I shouldn't, is not only delaying the healing process, but it could also mean the difference between surgery, and no surgery.
I'm sure a lot of you are wondering right now, what does all of this have to do with being happy? As I sat in the basement, with worries and doubts and pain, and loneliness, God reminded me of one of my favorite songs, the chorus says this, "The waves are calling out my name and the laugh at me, reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed. And the Giant keeps on telling me, time and time again, 'Boy, you can never win, you can never win!' But The Voice of Truth, tells me a different story, and The Voice of Truth, says 'do not be afraid', and the Voice of Truth, says 'this is for MY GLORY', out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe The Voice of Truth." This song was such a great reminder to me this afternoon, that no matter what happens, whether I get surgery or not, whether it's broken or not, it's all in God's control, and in God's perfect plan. What a comfort it is to know that! Sometimes, it takes the really dark days to make the light at the end of that tunnel seem that much brighter, and sometimes when you are the most fragile and broken down, that is when you need God the most, Amen?
Beautiful in all it's imperfections
<3 Always,
Rose
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