Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Day 168-169: New Year Ringing!


        Hey guys, so these past few days, I've been a bit under the weather, and didn't really have any energy to do much, which has given me a lot of time to think. I think about just how excited I was a year ago today to have the "year of death" end, and for a new slate, I was ready to move on. Then, I think about this year, and about how it met absolutely NONE of my expectations, but I just have to remind myself, am I perfect? Nope. Is God perfect? Yeah. So, as I thought through these past New Years Eve's, here a just a FEW of my many thoughts. 

         Another year over. I remember on New Year's Eve of last year, I was just so eager to start a new year, to have a fresh start, and to leave the horrible things that happened in 2013 IN 2013. Unfortunately, as I sit here a year later and write this, I know that that was wishful thinking, the sadness is still there, the memories are still there, and the pain is still there. Every day, every hour, every minute I miss him, but every day,every hour, and every minute I KNOW he is proud of me. This year has brought so much heartache, loneliness, sadness, and depression, but I have grown SO MUCH in the past 365 days, it is truly unbelievable. God was not done challenging me in my faith after taking Graham almost 2 years ago, but he also had a plan. He has been working in my life since day 1, through those 5 days in the hospital, and through this cross country adventure that we've embarked on. It has been so awesome for me to see how much I've changed since the end of 2013, Each and every struggle that I've faced have only drawn me closer and closer to God, even if it felt like it wasn't. That may seem like a contradiction, but I've seen so many times that those times that I just break down in anger and frustration with God, just wondering "Why? Why does my life have to be so gosh darn difficult?", it is then that he speaks to me and reminds me, God never said it would be easy. Do you think Jesus had a real easy life after being CRUCIFIED ON THE CROSS? Yeah...I don't think so...Anyways, this year has brought me much more joy and happiness than 2013 did, but it also brought me new challenges, challenges that at times I just didn't want to face, challenges that I thought I wouldn't be able to face, challenges that seemed impossible. But, here I am, still standing, I have weathered the storms of the past 2 years, and I have been praising God all the while. It was God that gave me the strength, confidence, and determination to accomplish these challenges that I never thought I could, it was God that gave me the gift of being able to find happiness and joy this year in the midst of all the sadness and homesickness, and it was GOD, that drew my family here, to Lenoir, to the church we go to, to the friends we have, and to this new adventure we have started. So, 2014, you thought you could bring me down?? Well, I am proud to say that as a daughter of the risen king, it takes a heck of a lot more than that to bring me down! " And I will praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands, for you are who you are, no matter where I am. Every tear I cry, you hold in your hands, you never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm."~Casting Crowns. Happy 2015 to all, a new year, a new day, and a fresh start! Remember, when the whole world seems to be crashing down around you as it often does, it may be time that your faith was challenged, so embrace all of these challenges with happiness, they are an opportunity to grow closer to God. "Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings, for we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character, HOPE." (Romans 5:3-5) Let's go 2015!!!

<3 Always,
Rose
         

Monday, December 29, 2014

Day 167- Skype dates in footie pajamas!!!

Hey guys, 

     Today, I got to skype with Rachel. For me, it really is the simple things that make me smile. After not having the most fantastic day, and being a tad bit under the weather, I felt pretty miserable and tired today. Listening to Rachel go on and on about the boys, in the same way that I go on and on about them, or that Caroline goes on and on about them, brought a smile to my face. Not only is Rachel the kind of friend who doesn't really care if your skypeing with her in your Eeyore footie pajamas because that's how miserable you feel, because she loves you THAT much, but she also loves the boys, just as much as she loves me, and sometimes, she loves the boys even MORE than I do. They are so incredibly lucky to have her as a third older sister, and I am so lucky to call her one of my closest friends, and one of the best, most honest, stand up, and quality people I have ever known! Rachel, talking with you today, hearing your voice, and just feeling so incredibly loved by you today when I was feeling pretty miserable today, made me realize how lucky I am to have such a wonderful person as one of my closest friends, and basically an extended part of my family, I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART RACHEL MIRANDA GUTIERREZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(If I got your middle name wrong, I'm sorry!!! I don't even know how I know that...)
<3 Always,
Rose

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Day 165-166: Cousins

Hey guys!

    So, the past few days, I've been visiting family in Raleigh. My mom's side of the family is very interesting, because we really weren't very close with them, but through losing Graham and Clara's diagnosis, it has really brought us together. The weird thing is, although we don't spend LOADS of time together, the time we do get to spend together is so precious. Whether it's watching Clara's daughters dance around the room in their tu-tus I made them, or talking with Anna about her plans in the Netherlands, or even discussing the grossness of sun screen with Clara, (FINALLY SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN!!!)it is all so meaningful to me. You would never think that we grew up most of our lives only having met the other a few times, and that's what I love about my cousins. The connection is so awesome, and so unique, even though we don't see each other much, and our ages range all the way from the early 30's to me, at 19, and that's not even counting the younger ones, because let's be honest, they rarely leave the home theatre...Anyways, things that have made me happy these past few days are the connection I have with my cousins, even though they ARE a good deal older than me, they love me like their little sister, and will jump at a chance to pass on advice about hard things in life! I am so blessed to not only have an older sister, but I also have 4 old girl cousins who truly watch out for me as if I am their sister!

<3 Always,
Rose

Friday, December 26, 2014

Day 164: Memory Lane

Hey guys,

     One of the great things about living in North Carolina, is that we now have a much stronger love for where my Mom grew up, and we are able to imagine, at least a little bit, of what her life was like before kids. Today, we spent the day walking down memory lane with her, she took us to the park that she went to as a kid, showed us the church that she grew up going to, showed us her elementary school, middle school, and high schools, AND she was able to show us the three houses she lived in growing up. It was so much fun to see my Mom recognize landmarks that meant so much to her, and that brought back so much happiness for her.

<3 Always,
Rose

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Day 162-163: Count your blessings!

Hey guys,

     As we finished up our holiday tonight, my sister and I sat in the basement watching Irving Berlin's "White Christmas", and I don't know about her, but I for one, had tears streaming down my face. You see, "White Christmas" was our families "Christmas Story" equivalent, we would all snuggle up in our sleeping bags, three in a row like little sardines, and Mom and Dad would sit on the couches behind us, and we would all spend our Christmas Eve watching this classic together as a family. As we grew up, obviously, we all started to love this tradition, more and more. As the holiday season crept closer, we'd find ourselves humming and whistling those sweet little tunes that we knew by heart, those tunes that brought us so much joy and so much happiness, and just made the holiday season, Christmas in particular meaningful to us. However, Graham came to love "White Christmas" more than anyone in the family, he'd spend hours every day teaching himself how to play those melodies on the piano, and we'd all gather 'round the piano and sing along, almost like a scene you'd see IN the movie White Christmas! Of course, when Graham died, things were shaken, things that seemed normal to my sister and I and the boys all the sudden brought back painful memories, not only for the parents, but for my sister and I as well. So, last Christmas, almost 9 months since his passing, we decided to skip "White Christmas". It was hard, after a year of SO much change, to see something that I had known to be "routine" for literally every year of my life all the sudden go away, because I knew, if Graham was here, we'd be watching it, no doubt! This year, my sister and I decided, it was time. No matter how many painful memories this movie would bring up, it would also bring up good memories, memories of our childhood, and memories of comfort to us. If Graham could choose ANY song from this movie as his favorite, I know it would be "Blessings", and as I sat watching the wonderful Irving Berlin sing this song for what seemed to be the millionth time, something just clicked. Not only did Graham love this song, but Graham tried his best to LIVE this song, he tried to make the best of whatever situation he found himself in, and he wanted his siblings to do the same. This song in particular goes like this, "When I'm worried, and I can't sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep, and I'll fall asleep counting my blessings. When my bank roll is gettin' low, I think of when I had none at all, and I'll fall asleep counting my blessings." I know this was my brother reminding me ONCE AGAIN tonight to count my blessings, to count the ways that God has provided for us these two years(almost). Sure, life has NOT been easy, there have been times when I wanted SO much just to give up, just to be done here on Earth, and see my brother again, but I know, that can't be. I am here for a reason, and there is also a reason that he's NOT here, there WILL be a day that I get to see him again, but today is NOT that day! So, I challenge you, can you name 10 blessings that have taken place in the past 5 years?

1. The many, MANY conformations, visions, encouragements, and sympathy that we as a family received while Graham was in the hospital, and in the months following his death.
2. My brother was an awesome brother, in every sense of the word, and I am SO blessed to have had him for the time that I did. After he died, we found a small post-it note stuck to his desk in his dorm(pictured below), that reassured us of that!
3. My baptism. My baptism was not only very special to me, it was also very sentimental to me, it was a life changing event for me. My baptism just so happened to fall on the one year anniversary of his death, and when I found this out, I KNEW it would be something to remember. My baptism night, my baptism study that I walked through with my mentor, Emily, and just that feeling when I came out of the water that night, was embraced by Graham's girlfriend, and told, "The service ended at EXACTLY 8:23!"(Graham's official time of death)
4.My faith. My faith has been tried. Even before Graham, even before middle school, my faith has always been a HUGE part of my life. I remember, when I was in 1st grade, I snuck behind a bush with my friend who went to my church, to discuss "God" with him at recess one day, and as we were lining up, the teacher pulled us aside and told us that she was just astounded by our love for God.
5. God's provision for me this past year. This past year has NOT been easy for me, like at ALL. It has brought a lot of heartache, homesickness, loneliness, and just sadness, but God has held me through it all. For instance, a few days ago, when I didn't get into Wheaton, God gave me peace, while also giving me the freedom to feel. What I mean by this is that I realized simultaneously two things, one, it is ok to be sad, it's ok to be hurt, because anyone would! And second, life goes on, there will be a brighter day, and you are called to serve God not only in the brighter days, but also in the darker ones.
6. FRIENDS! God has given me another blessing this year, it is the gift of confidence and self-worth. Moving half-way across the country, after living in the same place for literally my entire life, I was devastated. I was sad, I was heartbroken, but I knew, deep, DEEP, down that this is where I needed to be. I was afraid that after moving here, I would sink deeper into depression, and struggle to put myself out there in the slightest, because even in Wheaton, in situations where I didn't know the people, (BELIEVE IT OR NOT!) I would actually be VERY quiet and shy. Surprisingly, the complete opposite happened when I moved down here! The very first Sunday we were here, I chose, on my own, to go to a youth part and meet people.
7. My relationship with my parents. Like every teenage girl, my relationship with my parents throughout my high school years was rocky at best, there were times that I just really thought I would not survive another "discreet reminder" that I needed to clean my room. However, as a Christian teenage girl, I had a much stronger relationship with my parents than other girls I knew, and this year has only HELPED to strengthen it! 
8. Adrienne. A lot of you who have been reading my blogs since the beginning have heard about Adrienne a lot, but I really never get tired of talking about her, and how awesome she is! ;) I was blessed to find someone at our church, let alone the YOUTH DIRECTOR that grew up only a short 30 minutes from Wheaton, who knew all the "northern" slang and sayings that everyone else would just look at me like I'm from another planet if I said it. More than that, she KNEW what it felt like to move from a suburban city, filled with people and friends of all sorts, to a small, somewhat impoverished mountain town. Adrienne, I know you know how much you mean to me, so I'm not going to drag it out, let's just leave it at this. I love you, and seriously, without you, I would have NEVER made it through the move without going insane!
9. Elliot. All my life, I have wanted a dog with all my heart, and secretly envied anyone that DID have a dog. I am so thankful that I have been given a dog at JUST the right time in my life, and JUST the right dog at that!
10. The love never stops. I have been so encouraged by people near and far. Just when I feel like my problems are being forgotten in a world that is involved with their own problems, I wake up to a text from a friend, old or new, just reminding me that they love me, and they're praying for me, that right there means the world to me.
"I came from God, I belong to God, I am destined for God"
This quote was found on my brothers desk of his dorm at Wheaton.
<3 Always,
Rose



Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Day 161- The greatest grandma EVER!

Hey guys,

     So, this morning/early afternoon, my grandma stopped by! We hadn't seen her in a while, and she brought food, so we were pretty excited ;) After lunch, my Mom and I and her got to talking, about some pretty tough stuff, about me staying home next year and doing community college. Community college has never really appealed to me, mainly because I love my brothers and all, but there are times when I just need to get away, and be on my own, and NOT have to worry about being a big sister, and worry about what the boys are doing. I want to have the freedom to do what I want to do! She reminded me today though, that if I DID do community college, it wouldn't be like it is right now, where I spend a LOT of time at home, with nothing to do. I would have extracurriculars, classes, work, church, and possibly even my own car! Home would be the place where I would essentially eat and sleep, and it would be a FREE place to eat and sleep. Education really is basically the same wherever you go, there's no magic formula that Yale and Harvard and Princeton have that all the other colleges don't, so why pay $40 thousand dollars a year, when you can pay 6 thousand, or even less?? I am so grateful that I do have a Grandma that cares for me, wants what's best for me, and wants to see me succeed in everything I do, because I know alot of people that DON'T have that. I am so blessed that Grandma IS only an hour and a half away, and I get to see her fairly often, because that is a luxury that not everyone gets! 

<3 always,
Rose

Monday, December 22, 2014

Day 160- WINTER!

Hey guys,

     So, I know for all you people in Chicago, you are probably ALREADY sick of Winter, but here in NC, it hasn't really started...sure, it's cold, like probably mid-30's, but nott cold enough for snow. You may think I'm crazy for saying this(heck, you may think I'm crazy regardless...), but I MISS the snow! It makes me so sad that we will NOT have a White Christmas this year! This afternoon though, we got to pretend, for JUST a little bit that it was cold enough for snow :) We drove up to Appalachian Ski Mountain(or "App" as it's known here...) where they make artificial snow, and got to go ice skating, OUTSIDE!!!! It got me super excited that it will EVENTUALLY snow here, and at the same time, it made me grateful that it hasn't yet!

<3 Always,
Rose

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Day 159-Fuzzy Blankets

Hey guys,

    So. Today, I got a NEW fuzzy blanket, my heart is so happy :)

<3 Always,
Rose 

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Day 158-A New Day

Hey guys,

    So, Friday was spent basically sulking/sobbing in my room, and to tell you the truth, in my heart of hearts, I felt terrible doing it. Who am I to be complaining that one TINY little thing didn't go my way? Am I not lucky to even wake up every morning? Am I not blessed to have seen God SO many times in these past two years? So...what am I complaining about? A part of me knew that I had every right to feel in the moment, I have every right to be sad, in the moment. But I also have to realize that that time of such raw feeling can only last so long. There comes a time when I DO have to drag myself out of bed and tell myself, "Rose, there are more important things in life than Wheaton College, but more than that, there are more important things in life than Rose Stevens. Today is a new day, let's make it better!" That was truly my attitude as I woke up this morning. Am I still upset? Yup. Am I still angry and frustrated? Heck yeah. Am I still freaking out because I have no idea where I'll be next year? YES! But that's ok. Because everyone has those worries and feelings, and they all know that somehow, some way, thing's will get better. So today, I had the mission to do two things; stop feeling sorry for myself, and concentrate on the here and now. Tonight, we served the homeless and low-income people in our area dinner through our church, and that was so humbling. 24 hours before, I had been so caught up in why I couldn't get into Wheaton, or where I would go to college, and here I was, serving dinner to people who had never even DREAMED of going to college. People who have days like I had yesterday EVERY DAY, and yet, somehow find a way to smile at the end of it. I was serving people who have seen so much hardship and struggle in their lives, they could probably write a book, and 24 hours earlier, I was in my bed sobbing because I didn't get accepted to Wheaton, which doesn't even mean I won't be accepted later?? Talk about first world problems!! Today, I was humbly reminded that my life, it's actually not mine. My friends, my family, my home, they're all temporary. My life is and should always be CHRIST living through me, I am a humble vessel, and that is all.

<3 Always,
Rose

Friday, December 19, 2014

Day 157-Being at peace

Hey guys,

    So, I'm sure by now many of you know that today was NOT the easiest day in the world for me. Essentially, I got pushed into the regular enrollment round at Wheaton, and I have to wait another 3 months to hear. On top of that, the percentage of students in my position that have actually been ADMITTED to Wheaton is only 30%. So, as I sat in my room this afternoon, sobbing and heartbroken, I was also at peace. I know how strange this sounds, but just hold on, I'll explain. As much as I was sure that I was going to be admitted, and as heartbroken as I am to realize that there's a good chance that I won't be, all through the day today, I had people, some of them GRADUATES of Wheaton tell me that the same thing happened to them. At the same time, I continue to be SO reminded that this life isn't about me, it's about doing my best to live my life for Christ, and spread his love to others. Not my will on this Earth be done, but YOURS o Lord. My life is not my own, because it is hidden in Christ. I know that whatever happens with Wheaton, wherever I end up next fall, THAT is where God wants me to be. For the time being though, God has put me in Lenoir for a reason, and I'm going to ENJOY the time I have here.

<3 Always,
Rose

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Day 156- PIZZA!!!!!

Hey guys,

    So, today was a great day. The bible study met at Piccolo's for our end of the year celebration! For all you locals, you KNOW Piccolo's is the place to go for good quality CHICAGO style pizza, and for you Chicagoians, it's no Giordano's, but from one Chicagoian to another, I approve :)

<3 Always,
Rose

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Day 155-MUSIC

Hey guys,

     So, for me, music has always been my joy. I love people and everything, but quite honestly, NOTHING gets me as happy and joyful as rocking out to my favorite song on the radio. Many times, God has used music to speak to me and let me know, "It's gonna be ok. Everything may be falling apart, but keep in mind, it's also falling into my PERFECT placement." The holiday season without Graham was hard last year, but this holiday season is another story entirely. Pretty much since Thanksgiving, I have been really struggling to find the joy and happiness that often come so easily to me, the holidays were stirring up a lot of sadness, and in turn, depression. That right there is a scary word "depression". Last summer, right before I went off to my student conference, I was told that I had a severe depression, so bad that I may need to be hospitalized in the future, and I went off to this conference basically "shell-shocked". At the conference though, I saw God working through my friends, my adult leaders, the speakers, and the bands that were there, and it ended with me being able to see first hand what it would be like a few months from now if I let this depression control me, and I made up my mind. I simply wouldn't let it control me. Obviously, I still struggle with it(thus, the reason I'm writing this), but in the midst of my struggle, I KNOW that God is working in me, and I need to welcome that struggle as a opportunity to grow closer to him. But back to music...as I was looking over my many, MANY videos that I've made over the years, I stumbled upon one in particular that really stopped me in my tracks. I had made the video literally DAYS after we moved, and it really struck me. My attitude then was, "Alright God, here I am, ready to do your will. Take my life and let it be yours." So, who am I to sit here and say "woe is me, my brother died."? What about all those many people in the bible who lose SO much more than their brother, and still have faith in God? Consider Job, Job lost ABSOLUTELY everyone and everything that he cared about, because Satan wanted to test his faith in God. Job lost his ENTIRE family, all his friends, his home, and everything he loved, yet he was able to praise God through it all. Now THAT is faith! And THAT is what I want my life to be about! I've made a video of me singing this song that I came across tonight, it's called, "Desert Song". The chorus is simple, yet amazing, it just says, "I will bring PRAISE, I will bring PRAISE, no weapon formed against me shall remain, I will REJOICE, I will declare, GOD IS MY VICTORY AND HE IS HERE." The other part of the song that really speaks to me is the bridge, "All of my life, in every season, you are STILL God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship." Hopefully this post will encourage some of you who are struggling with life and the holidays! 
                                       
<3 Always,
Rose

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Day 153-Nature!

Hey guys,

    So today, YES, DECEMBER 16TH, we got to go on a walk with our family and friends. I am so happy to be enjoying the still high 50's weather in DECEMEBER!!!!....Meanwhile, those in Chicago are officially icicles. ;-) Anyways, we got to enjoy the wonderful weather and nature as a group, and it was so much fun!
Not from today, just a really BEAUTIFUL fall picture near Lake Geneva :)
<3 Always,
Rose

Monday, December 15, 2014

Day 152- Great friends!

Hey guys,

     So, today we had a big treat! Our friends from Wheaton, the Connors came down from TN to come see us! It is so great to sit around the table at Linda's(my old youth leader who lives only like 45 minutes away!) and talk about how it has been for each of us to move in the past year. The Connors moved to Arizona, Linda and Rod moved to North Carolina in January, and we moved (obviously) in June! Living so far away from people you've known for such a long time really makes you appreciate the times we DO get to spend together!

<3 Always,
Rose

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Day 151-Mary...she's AWESOME!!!

Hey guys,

     Have you ever thought about how FLIPPING awesome the story of advent is?? It's pretty amazing...let me put it in modern terms with this play.

Act 1: Conception?
*The curtain opens to see a 17 year old girl, driving her car, when an ANGEL appears!*

Mary:...um...WHAT?
Gabriel: Hey Mary, Chill out, it's ok bro. I'm coming to tell you that God has chosen you to give birth to his child!
Mary:Alright...does he want to meet up somewhere? Or how does he want to do this?
Gabriel: Mary, you're not LISTENING! The child is already inside you!
Mary: Um...wait. Wouldn't that require a guy? How is..what the...I'm SO CONFUSED!
Gabriel: It's alright Mary, don't be afraid!
Mary: Ain't nobody got time to be afraid! 
Gabriel:(now shouting over Mary's anxious thoughts) You've found favor in the Lord!
Mary:...NO...REALLY??!! 
Gabriel: God said you should name him Jesus, now go, tell Joseph!
Mary: First of all, I'm not naming my son Jesus...unless I want him to get beat up after school every day! And secondly, ARE YOU CRAZY? You want me to go and tell my FIANCE that I'm pregnant with God's baby? How do I know you're not messing with me?
Gabriel: Think about that phrase for a minute, you just asked an ANGEL OF THE LORD if he was crazy, and then proceeded to say "how do I know you're not 'messing with me'"...I'M AN ANGEL OF THE LORD!!!!! Dy'a think God's just sitting up there like, Oh hey, let's go play some mind games with Mary!
Mary:...Alright fine, you're not messing with me...but I'm REALLY gonna have this baby?
Gabriel: YES! 
Act 2:The Husband
*Mary walks into the apartment, looking as pale as a ghost, Joseph is transfixed in his video game*
Mary(walking in front of the TV): Hey babe...I kinda need to talk to you...
Joseph(trying to see behind Mary): WAIT! I was just about to beat the *electronic sound effect*...level. Well, I guess I can talk now, WHAT could be so important?
Mary: First, I want you to know, I'm completely sober, I'm not on any drugs, this REALLY happened...
Joseph(rolls his eyes): JUST SAY IT!
Mary: I saw an angel today...
Joseph(looking flattered): Aww babe! That's so nice!
Mary: Not you, ya moron! I saw an ANGEL! Like, a messenger from the Lord!
Joseph: Oh boy...here we go! Mary, if this is your way of trying to get me to come with you to church...you crazy.
Mary: Just hear me out alright? He told me that I'm going to have a baby.
Joseph: I should hope so...
Mary(getting frustrated now): NOT WITH YOU!!!! Just listen, ok? Let me finish! 
Joseph: Dang girl, those pregnancy hormones are kicking in!
Mary: EXCUSE ME??!! Wait, what am I doing. God, the angel, right! The angel told me that I will give birth to GOD'S SON!!!!!!
Joseph(looking even more flattered): That might be taking it a BIT too far, don't ya think?
Mary(rolls her eyes): THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO MAKE JOKES!!!!!!! I SAW AN ANGEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joseph: Yeah, ok. I'll beleive THAT when I see it. 
*curtains close*
Act 3: Another special visitor
*Later that night, Mary is in bed, and Joseph is up late playing his video game*
Joseph: Come on...I gotta kill these guys.
*Suddenly the screen turns black, but then just as quickly as it turned off, it becomes radiant and overflowing with light*
Joseph: What the...?
Gabriel: Joseph, don't be afraid!
Joseph: STEVIE THE TV KNOWS MY NAME??!! 
Gabriel: It's not the TV, it's me, Gabriel. I've been sent from the Lord...
Joseph: Oh please...not you too!
Gabriel: Oh you're right, apparently you're too cool for the Lord...see you later!
Joseph: Wait!!...I mean um....you can tell me the news, if you want to...
Gabriel(smiling): I thought so... God wants you to know that Mary was telling you the truth! Your fiance is going to give birth to the Son of God!
Joseph: SAY WHAAAAT?????
Gabriel: Mary.God. Baby. Not yours. Is that clear enough for ya? 
Joseph(mumbling): Mary...son...virgin...God...donkey...wait, what? Oh right...Mary is going to have God's son! Wait...MARY IS GOING TO HAVE GOD'S SON??
Gabriel: Ding ding ding ding! We have a winner!!
Joseph: So...how's this going to work? You don't use me at all? When? How?
Gabriel: It will happen in God's timing and in his perfect way...you just have to trust! You are going to call the baby Jesus.
Joseph: Ugh...fine...I'll be patient. But, Jesus...really??
Gabriel: NAW, an angel of the Lord just lied to you!!!
Joseph: Alright, fine. Jesus it is.
--END--
<3 Always,
Rose

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Day 150- J....O...B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey guys,

     So after job-hunting for almost 6 months, I FINALLY have a job :D AND it's nannying, which is what I really wanted to do :D Today is a good day!

<3 Always,
Rose

Friday, December 12, 2014

Day 149-Maya

Hey guys,

    So, for almost 8 years of my life, I was so blessed to be a part of the wonderful childcare team at Blanchard. From being 10 years old, and still not old enough to work with the babies alone, to my very last year, where the early childhood wing was basically my second home. I learned so much, and have so many fond memories of teaching these sweet kiddos what it means to be a child of Christ. As I grew older, I happened upon ANOTHER amazing opportunity that Blanchard offered, summer camp. Our childcare team partnered with other churches in the area to provide an affordable camp, tutoring, and bible lessons to young kids in the area. Quickly, I developed an amazing relationship, almost like a big sistership to the wonderful Maya Zielinski. Maya's brother and my younger brother played on the same baseball team, but Maya is very shy, so I really didn't know her well. I think for her, as a little first grader, it was comforting to see a familiar face, even if it wasn't SUPER familiar, because after day one, she basically stuck to me like glue. Through the years of summer camp, we grew closer and closer, and our families in effect grew closer as well. I've always wanted a little sister, someone to do girl things with, and I've sort of realized, there are times when Maya and I were basically big sister-little sister, except for the fact that we didn't live together and drive each other crazy. Because Maya comes from a huge family, she is always looking out for his sisters and brothers, she is so kind, and caring, and a WONDERFUL big sister to her siblings, even when she wanted to have me to herself, but I had an AJ hanging off my arm, and a Carter running off into the woods...and THAT is a wonderful thing to see in a 10 year old! Maya's love for others in general is so strong for her age, that it actually leaves me speechless sometimes. She is a wonderful sister, and a wonderful kid! Maya, I want you to know that the connection that we have will NEVER be broken, no matter how many siblings try to get in between it! I will always have a special place in my heart reserved just for you, my one and only "little sister". I love you and miss you!!! 
 Love!

 Aren't little siblings the greatest?

She is SUCH a big sister, it is amazing :)
<3 Always,
Rose

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Day 148- My squishies

Hey guys,

    So, reading this title you might be a bit confused...but hold on! I'll explain. When the little boys first came to us, they were three and two, and somehow MORE adorable than they are today. Every day after school, Graham would come home and be so excited to hug his "squishies" (i.e. the boys) because they were just so dang squishy! It's so sweet that basically every day I have two little shadows following me wherever I go, no matter how annoying it may be, in truth, I love it! I love how sweet and thoughtful they are to me, and love to spend time with me! They will always be my squishies...no matter how old they are :) 






I'm Blessed :)
<3 Always,
Rose

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Day 147-Friends across the US

Hey guys,

     So, I don't know WHAT it is about this week, but it seems like I'm always sad. Maybe it's the holiday season without Graham, maybe it's the holiday season without Wheaton, maybe it's the fact that all my friends will be home for Christmas break, and I won't, honestly, I don't know. All I know is that I'm sad, I want to go home, I want snow, I want my brother back, so essentially I want a lot of things that I know I can't have. Tonight at church though, I knew Adrienne could kind of tell that I was having "one of those days", because when I'm upset, I tend to just not say anything, which is very strange for me, especially when I'm around Adrienne! Anyways, she pulled me aside after group, and I just broke down, we didn't say much, but her actions tonight to show me that I AM loved here spoke volumes. I miss home, I miss my friends, I miss the town, and YES, I even miss the bitter Chicago cold, but I know, deep, DEEP, down, that this is where I'm supposed to be right now. I am loved here by so many, and I know if I DO end up going to Wheaton for school, it'll be hard to be away from home. I am so blessed to be loved by people not only back home, but here as well. I am blessed to have someone that has spend SO much time with me these past almost 6 months, that she can tell when something's up, even if I don't say so. I feel so lucky to have so many amazing, AMAZING friends who have been with me through absolutely everything, but I've gotta say, it makes living far a way from each other a WHOLE lot harder...:( Anyways, I am happy and sad today, just trying to find a silver lining of some sort...
<3 Always,
Rose

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Day 146-BREAK!

Hey guys, 

    So, I am THRILLED to say that I have officially finished my first college courses, WAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) Let the Christmas festivities begin :)

Monday, December 8, 2014

Day 145-Give me JOY in my heart...

Hey guys,

      Today was hard. Alright, that was an understatement, today SUCKED. As I sat on my bed tonight, feeling alone, feeling that familiar ache in my heart, I wished more than anything that I could talk with Graham. So, I pulled out a paper and pen and did the next best thing, I wrote to him. I want to share it with you guys, but fair warning, it's not all gumdrops and lollipops! 

Graham,

    You've been gone almost two years, but it hasn't gotten any easier. Honestly, it's miserable, and unfair. I wake up every morning and go about my life like nothing's wrong, like everything is just perfect, but in reality, I have a hole in my heart that nothing and no one could ever fill, because I lost my brother. It's not fair! It's not fair that you never saw me graduate high school, or have my first job interview. It's not fair that you'll never get to see me go off to college, you'll never get to see me achieve my dreams, you'll never get to give the "big brother talk" as I head out on my first date, you'll never get to be there as Dad walks me down the aisle. You're going to miss out on so much of my life, and I've already missed out on so much of yours. Each important life event or milestone will hurt, more than anyone could know or imagine, but I have to hold my head high, and soldier on. As life continues to move, I move with it, whether I want to or not. Every day hurts, every hour, every minute, I am without my best friend, and my heart has been shattered. But, I try to pick up the pieces, because I want to be okay again. I want the pain to stop, I want to be happy again, but deep down, in my heart of hearts, I know that it'll never be the same, I will never be as happy as I was before all of this. There will be days like today, where the sadness, shock, grief, and anger just seem like it's too much to bear, so I sit back, and I let the waves of emotions cover me, because I know that it'll happen either way. But then, there will be days when God's rays of peace and of joy will penetrate through the dark, heavy cloud of depression to remind me that there WILL be a day, when there's no more pain, and the two of us will walk down the golden streets of Heaven hand in hand. This whole journey has taught me one BIG thing; joy is NOT synonymous with happiness. Happiness is a mountain top experience, happiness is when everything in your life seems to be going perfect, but most of all, joy is a feeling that is based off of raw emotion. Joy, however is a feeling based off of what we KNOW to be true. Joy is a gift that God gives us, joy is when everything seems to be crashing down around us, but we are at peace, because we can rest in the fact that GOD is in control, and his way is perfect, no matter WHAT. So, on days like today, when it seems impossible for me to be happy, it's hard, because I know you've never STOPPED wanting me to be happy. On days like today, I just have to keep reminding myself how much more important and valuable it is to have joy. As long as I have joy, I can keep going, I can hold my head up and smile, I can take on life's challenges. I know that it's not going to be easy, but I also know that the end result will be so much better than I ever could imagine.
<3 Always,
Rose

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Day 144-CELEBRATE!!!

Hey guys!

     So, the holiday season can be VERY stressful, as we all know, but tonight at church, I was reminded of the REASON for Christmas. Coming into church, I was in a pretty terrible mood, it looked like another job opportunity was falling apart, I was stressed about the amount of gift making and wrapping I still have to do, and I was so homesick. This is the longest I've EVER gone without snow, and a part of me is still convinced, without snow, it's not Christmas. I am people sick for the family that we normally do holidays with, as long as I can remember, we've ALWAYS done Christmas eve, or Christmas Day, or sometimes both with the LaRusso's, and obviously, that's not going to happen this year. It still seems like it's October to me, it doesn't seem like it COULD be Christmas without snow, or without the bitter cold, or without the LaRusso's, and it just won't be the same! This was my mindset going in, I was disappointed about the job, bitter about still having warm weather, and bitter about NOT being at home with the LaRusso's for Christmas. But, as I pulled into the church parking lot, I saw the high schoolers I work with having a pizza party in someones car. They smiled when they saw me, and invited me over, and it made me feel so loved. As I walked into the church, I was basically attacked by the lovely Adrienne...because she hadn't seen me since this morning, now THAT is love! 

     We sat and watched the advent skits and plays, laughed at all the jokes and puns, and just enjoyed ourselves. The very last skit basically focused on all the stress, commercialism, business, and work that goes into the holiday of Christmas. We spend so much time worrying about all of these things that we somehow forget what Christmas is REALLY about! Christmas is a time of celebration, a time that we as Christians should be JOYFUL and HAPPY, not stressed and overtired! Without Jesus, there would be NO. CHRISTMAS. So, when we devote so much time and energy into making Christmas great that we forget what it's all about, then what's the point of making it great? When you get to that point, you need to sit down, relax, BREATHE, don't worry about those last few packages that didn't get wrapped, or how many place cards you haven't made for the family dinner, you need to just relax, and be HAPPY, rejoice, and CELEBRATE!

<3 Always,
Rose

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Day 143- A star is born!!

Hey guys,

     So, many of you may not know this, but I am actually NOT the only performer in the Stevens family. Shane, my eight year old brother is really a star in the making, he loves music of any kind, he loves to sing, he is constantly singing, and he loves to act too! Today, Shane had his first viola concert, and he was terrified. On the way up to Boone, where he was performing, he told us that he was worried he would mess up, and he didn't want to do it. As the only other performer in the family at this point, I had to give him "the talk" that all performers have heard. There are 3 MAIN things that I told him: 1. If you mess up, that's ok, just keep going! The audience doesn't know you messed up! 2. Fake it 'til you make it! This basically means, anything and everything could happen while you're performing, but that doesn't matter. Even if your instructor falls off the stage(let's hope that never happens!), you don't stop! and the last one was a bit harder to tell him, 3. If you want to be a musician, a singer, or an actor, you're going to have to get USED to being on stage.

     A big reason why it was so hard for me to tell him that was because I was the same way when I was that age. I loved music and making music and acting, but I didn't like to be on stage, I had stage fright! I remember before one of my very first dance recitals, a lot of us were nervous, and our teacher basically told us, that's part of dance. Not only is it a part of dance, but it's a part of performing! There will come a time later in life where you will have to decide if you can take the pressure of being on stage, or if you want to stop. Even at such a young age,(I think I was maybe 6 or 7?)these words struck me, because I KNEW that this is what I loved to do, but at the same time, I knew that the minute those lights would turn on, everyone would be watching me, and I was pretty freaked out. 

     Looking back on my stage fright now, I'm not quite sure that it ever FULLY went away, I will still get incredibly anxious about how we will sound as a group, but at the same time, I know that because I've done this so many times, and because when it comes down to it, I'm a performer at heart, I know that I will always give my best performance, no matter what. From the minute my foot hits that stage, it's "go time", I know exactly what I've come there to do! The issue with me is this, most of the time, performing is NOT an individual thing, there is a group of us, and we need to ALL work together to give our best, however, sometimes, people aren't willing to give that, or people are too scared, or too unprepared to give that. At this point, for my perfectionist self, I just have to swallow my pride, and know that I did MY best, no matter what other people decided to do! 

     Today, as I watched Shane from the audience, white faced and looking absolutely miserable, I fought back tears. I know that this is what I probably looked like 13ish years ago as I prepared for my dance recital. I know that deep down, he is eventually going to have to make a decision; can he take the pressure, or does he need to stop performing? I so wish that there was another option, but quite honestly, there isn't! As I sat there, fighting back tears, I remembered how I felt performing at that age, I remember how absolutely terrified I was, but at the same time, I remember how convinced I was that I didn't EVER want to give up performing! I wanted so badly to jump up there and reassure my brother that he didn't have to do it if he didn't want to, but I knew in the back of my mind, if Mom had done that 13 years ago, and told me I didn't have to perform, I probably would've told her that it's what I wanted to do. Sometimes, what you want to do is scary, but that's ok! I know from watching Shane at his lessons and just around the house in general, he has the drive. He has the same passion for performing that I did when I was his age, and that may change, or it may not, but for right now, I know that no matter HOW scared he is, he is going to go out there and give it all he's got, simply because he loves to perform. Throughout the recital, I had a lot of emotions, my heart broke with sympathy, and with fear for him, but at the same time, my heart swelled with pride to see him up there, out of his comfort zone, and doing it anyways. I'd like to say that he's seen that in me when I'm on stage, but I highly doubt that's actually true, honestly, I'm just glad I have someone in my family who shares my passion!
<3 Always,
Rose



Thursday, December 4, 2014

Day 142-Basketball!!

Hey guys!!

      So, tonight, I got to go to one of Jack's basketball games for the first time of the season! It felt so good to see him in his zone, and I truly missed being able to see him play!

<3 Always,
Rose

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Day 141-The best youth leader in the world! (Sorry Mark...)

Hey guys,

     So, I know that I talk a LOT on my blog about Adrienne, but that's 'cuz, to me, she is more than a youth leader, she is my friend. Beyond that, she's probably my closest friend here...<3 Yeah, she's a good deal older than me, but that's okay :) We are so alike in so many ways that it can be freaky at times, we both LOVE to have fun...and make fun of each other...we can both be very loud and bubbly and energetic at times. When I got back from Chicago, the two of us were sitting in her office and I was telling her about my trip and the senior pastor walks in and goes, "Yeah, I figured Rose was back, it just got REALLY loud..." In the not even 6 months that I've known her, we've already had SO many memories, SO many laughs, and it's basically guaranteed that when I'm around her, I'll have a good time ;) Anyways, as I was sitting in my room starting on her Christmas present, I just realized how incredibly lucky and fortunate I am to have her as a youth leader, she is a truly amazing person, in ways that words can't even describe, so I'm not going to try. If you know her, you understand what I mean, if you don't...you probably should get to know her, because she's pretty fantastic! So as I sat in my room writing this letter to her for Christmas, I just felt so happy and so blessed to have her in my life, I spent a good 2 hours writing this letter to her, THAT is how much she means to me :) Adrienne is one of those people that just wants to know everyone, and sometimes, she succeeds. She truly and genuinely loves each and every student and leader in the youth group, and if we ask to meet with her, she will make it happen. Obviously, she's not going to have enough time to meet with each and every kid in the youth group, but I know a few select students who have asked to meet with her once a week, and she does! Not only this, but she also wants to meet and get to know the parents as well! She truly devotes all her energy and time into what she has been called to do, bringing young people to Christ, and I just really admire that!

<3 Always,
Rose 

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Day 140- Getting my craft on!

Hey guys!

      So, as a college student with no job, I literally have NO money, which makes the holidays...interesting? I have decided to make all my presents by hand this year, but I've been seriously procrastinating actually sitting down and DOING it. So today, I spent a good 4-5 hours on the little boys present, and I'm proud to say that with a little bit of work tomorrow, it will be DONE!! YAY!!!!! I would seriously recommend for those of you college kids who have no money, make your own things! I was able to go out to the dollar store and Wal-Mart, and get all the supplies I needed for my families gifts for only $20!! It was fantastic. Also, being the crafty and creative person that I am, I am REALLY enjoying being able to invest a good amount of time and energy into each and every gift I give out this year, I didn't just go to the toy or clothes section at Wal-Mart and get the first thing I saw!

<3 Always,
Rose 

Day 139-Kady(again...)

Hey guys,

     So, I know I JUST blogged about Kady, but...she's pretty amazing. So here it goes, today(or yesterday, because I'm behind as usual...) we drove into Hickory for lunch. For those of you who DON'T live in Lenoir, you don't realize the true struggle it is to find good resturaunts in Lenoir, so for us, going to Chipotle is basically like Christmas. ANYWAYS, we went to Chipotle AND to Starbucks(aka Starbies...I had to explain to Kady why I kept calling it that, thanks Abby!), which basically made my life. Not only was the food amazing, but it was so amazing to be with Kady again after not seeing each other since...June(?)...we are so SO very excited for our next get together, and because I'll finally probably have my smartphone by then, pictures will be posted :)

<3 Always,
Rose