Hey guys,
Today was hard. Alright, that was an understatement, today SUCKED. As I sat on my bed tonight, feeling alone, feeling that familiar ache in my heart, I wished more than anything that I could talk with Graham. So, I pulled out a paper and pen and did the next best thing, I wrote to him. I want to share it with you guys, but fair warning, it's not all gumdrops and lollipops!
Graham,
You've been gone almost two years, but it hasn't gotten any easier. Honestly, it's miserable, and unfair. I wake up every morning and go about my life like nothing's wrong, like everything is just perfect, but in reality, I have a hole in my heart that nothing and no one could ever fill, because I lost my brother. It's not fair! It's not fair that you never saw me graduate high school, or have my first job interview. It's not fair that you'll never get to see me go off to college, you'll never get to see me achieve my dreams, you'll never get to give the "big brother talk" as I head out on my first date, you'll never get to be there as Dad walks me down the aisle. You're going to miss out on so much of my life, and I've already missed out on so much of yours. Each important life event or milestone will hurt, more than anyone could know or imagine, but I have to hold my head high, and soldier on. As life continues to move, I move with it, whether I want to or not. Every day hurts, every hour, every minute, I am without my best friend, and my heart has been shattered. But, I try to pick up the pieces, because I want to be okay again. I want the pain to stop, I want to be happy again, but deep down, in my heart of hearts, I know that it'll never be the same, I will never be as happy as I was before all of this. There will be days like today, where the sadness, shock, grief, and anger just seem like it's too much to bear, so I sit back, and I let the waves of emotions cover me, because I know that it'll happen either way. But then, there will be days when God's rays of peace and of joy will penetrate through the dark, heavy cloud of depression to remind me that there WILL be a day, when there's no more pain, and the two of us will walk down the golden streets of Heaven hand in hand. This whole journey has taught me one BIG thing; joy is NOT synonymous with happiness. Happiness is a mountain top experience, happiness is when everything in your life seems to be going perfect, but most of all, joy is a feeling that is based off of raw emotion. Joy, however is a feeling based off of what we KNOW to be true. Joy is a gift that God gives us, joy is when everything seems to be crashing down around us, but we are at peace, because we can rest in the fact that GOD is in control, and his way is perfect, no matter WHAT. So, on days like today, when it seems impossible for me to be happy, it's hard, because I know you've never STOPPED wanting me to be happy. On days like today, I just have to keep reminding myself how much more important and valuable it is to have joy. As long as I have joy, I can keep going, I can hold my head up and smile, I can take on life's challenges. I know that it's not going to be easy, but I also know that the end result will be so much better than I ever could imagine.
<3 Always,
Rose
Hey guys!
So, the holiday season can be VERY stressful, as we all know, but tonight at church, I was reminded of the REASON for Christmas. Coming into church, I was in a pretty terrible mood, it looked like another job opportunity was falling apart, I was stressed about the amount of gift making and wrapping I still have to do, and I was so homesick. This is the longest I've EVER gone without snow, and a part of me is still convinced, without snow, it's not Christmas. I am people sick for the family that we normally do holidays with, as long as I can remember, we've ALWAYS done Christmas eve, or Christmas Day, or sometimes both with the LaRusso's, and obviously, that's not going to happen this year. It still seems like it's October to me, it doesn't seem like it COULD be Christmas without snow, or without the bitter cold, or without the LaRusso's, and it just won't be the same! This was my mindset going in, I was disappointed about the job, bitter about still having warm weather, and bitter about NOT being at home with the LaRusso's for Christmas. But, as I pulled into the church parking lot, I saw the high schoolers I work with having a pizza party in someones car. They smiled when they saw me, and invited me over, and it made me feel so loved. As I walked into the church, I was basically attacked by the lovely Adrienne...because she hadn't seen me since this morning, now THAT is love!
We sat and watched the advent skits and plays, laughed at all the jokes and puns, and just enjoyed ourselves. The very last skit basically focused on all the stress, commercialism, business, and work that goes into the holiday of Christmas. We spend so much time worrying about all of these things that we somehow forget what Christmas is REALLY about! Christmas is a time of celebration, a time that we as Christians should be JOYFUL and HAPPY, not stressed and overtired! Without Jesus, there would be NO. CHRISTMAS. So, when we devote so much time and energy into making Christmas great that we forget what it's all about, then what's the point of making it great? When you get to that point, you need to sit down, relax, BREATHE, don't worry about those last few packages that didn't get wrapped, or how many place cards you haven't made for the family dinner, you need to just relax, and be HAPPY, rejoice, and CELEBRATE!
<3 Always,
Rose
Hey guys,
So, many of you may not know this, but I am actually NOT the only performer in the Stevens family. Shane, my eight year old brother is really a star in the making, he loves music of any kind, he loves to sing, he is constantly singing, and he loves to act too! Today, Shane had his first viola concert, and he was terrified. On the way up to Boone, where he was performing, he told us that he was worried he would mess up, and he didn't want to do it. As the only other performer in the family at this point, I had to give him "the talk" that all performers have heard. There are 3 MAIN things that I told him: 1. If you mess up, that's ok, just keep going! The audience doesn't know you messed up! 2. Fake it 'til you make it! This basically means, anything and everything could happen while you're performing, but that doesn't matter. Even if your instructor falls off the stage(let's hope that never happens!), you don't stop! and the last one was a bit harder to tell him, 3. If you want to be a musician, a singer, or an actor, you're going to have to get USED to being on stage.
A big reason why it was so hard for me to tell him that was because I was the same way when I was that age. I loved music and making music and acting, but I didn't like to be on stage, I had stage fright! I remember before one of my very first dance recitals, a lot of us were nervous, and our teacher basically told us, that's part of dance. Not only is it a part of dance, but it's a part of performing! There will come a time later in life where you will have to decide if you can take the pressure of being on stage, or if you want to stop. Even at such a young age,(I think I was maybe 6 or 7?)these words struck me, because I KNEW that this is what I loved to do, but at the same time, I knew that the minute those lights would turn on, everyone would be watching me, and I was pretty freaked out.
Looking back on my stage fright now, I'm not quite sure that it ever FULLY went away, I will still get incredibly anxious about how we will sound as a group, but at the same time, I know that because I've done this so many times, and because when it comes down to it, I'm a performer at heart, I know that I will always give my best performance, no matter what. From the minute my foot hits that stage, it's "go time", I know exactly what I've come there to do! The issue with me is this, most of the time, performing is NOT an individual thing, there is a group of us, and we need to ALL work together to give our best, however, sometimes, people aren't willing to give that, or people are too scared, or too unprepared to give that. At this point, for my perfectionist self, I just have to swallow my pride, and know that I did MY best, no matter what other people decided to do!
Today, as I watched Shane from the audience, white faced and looking absolutely miserable, I fought back tears. I know that this is what I probably looked like 13ish years ago as I prepared for my dance recital. I know that deep down, he is eventually going to have to make a decision; can he take the pressure, or does he need to stop performing? I so wish that there was another option, but quite honestly, there isn't! As I sat there, fighting back tears, I remembered how I felt performing at that age, I remember how absolutely terrified I was, but at the same time, I remember how convinced I was that I didn't EVER want to give up performing! I wanted so badly to jump up there and reassure my brother that he didn't have to do it if he didn't want to, but I knew in the back of my mind, if Mom had done that 13 years ago, and told me I didn't have to perform, I probably would've told her that it's what I wanted to do. Sometimes, what you want to do is scary, but that's ok! I know from watching Shane at his lessons and just around the house in general, he has the drive. He has the same passion for performing that I did when I was his age, and that may change, or it may not, but for right now, I know that no matter HOW scared he is, he is going to go out there and give it all he's got, simply because he loves to perform. Throughout the recital, I had a lot of emotions, my heart broke with sympathy, and with fear for him, but at the same time, my heart swelled with pride to see him up there, out of his comfort zone, and doing it anyways. I'd like to say that he's seen that in me when I'm on stage, but I highly doubt that's actually true, honestly, I'm just glad I have someone in my family who shares my passion!
<3 Always,
Rose
Hey guys!!
So, tonight, I got to go to one of Jack's basketball games for the first time of the season! It felt so good to see him in his zone, and I truly missed being able to see him play!
<3 Always,
Rose
Hey guys,
So, I know that I talk a LOT on my blog about Adrienne, but that's 'cuz, to me, she is more than a youth leader, she is my friend. Beyond that, she's probably my closest friend here...<3 Yeah, she's a good deal older than me, but that's okay :) We are so alike in so many ways that it can be freaky at times, we both LOVE to have fun...and make fun of each other...we can both be very loud and bubbly and energetic at times. When I got back from Chicago, the two of us were sitting in her office and I was telling her about my trip and the senior pastor walks in and goes, "Yeah, I figured Rose was back, it just got REALLY loud..." In the not even 6 months that I've known her, we've already had SO many memories, SO many laughs, and it's basically guaranteed that when I'm around her, I'll have a good time ;) Anyways, as I was sitting in my room starting on her Christmas present, I just realized how incredibly lucky and fortunate I am to have her as a youth leader, she is a truly amazing person, in ways that words can't even describe, so I'm not going to try. If you know her, you understand what I mean, if you don't...you probably should get to know her, because she's pretty fantastic! So as I sat in my room writing this letter to her for Christmas, I just felt so happy and so blessed to have her in my life, I spent a good 2 hours writing this letter to her, THAT is how much she means to me :) Adrienne is one of those people that just wants to know everyone, and sometimes, she succeeds. She truly and genuinely loves each and every student and leader in the youth group, and if we ask to meet with her, she will make it happen. Obviously, she's not going to have enough time to meet with each and every kid in the youth group, but I know a few select students who have asked to meet with her once a week, and she does! Not only this, but she also wants to meet and get to know the parents as well! She truly devotes all her energy and time into what she has been called to do, bringing young people to Christ, and I just really admire that!
<3 Always,
Rose
Hey guys!
So, as a college student with no job, I literally have NO money, which makes the holidays...interesting? I have decided to make all my presents by hand this year, but I've been seriously procrastinating actually sitting down and DOING it. So today, I spent a good 4-5 hours on the little boys present, and I'm proud to say that with a little bit of work tomorrow, it will be DONE!! YAY!!!!! I would seriously recommend for those of you college kids who have no money, make your own things! I was able to go out to the dollar store and Wal-Mart, and get all the supplies I needed for my families gifts for only $20!! It was fantastic. Also, being the crafty and creative person that I am, I am REALLY enjoying being able to invest a good amount of time and energy into each and every gift I give out this year, I didn't just go to the toy or clothes section at Wal-Mart and get the first thing I saw!
<3 Always,
Rose
Hey guys,
So, I know I JUST blogged about Kady, but...she's pretty amazing. So here it goes, today(or yesterday, because I'm behind as usual...) we drove into Hickory for lunch. For those of you who DON'T live in Lenoir, you don't realize the true struggle it is to find good resturaunts in Lenoir, so for us, going to Chipotle is basically like Christmas. ANYWAYS, we went to Chipotle AND to Starbucks(aka Starbies...I had to explain to Kady why I kept calling it that, thanks Abby!), which basically made my life. Not only was the food amazing, but it was so amazing to be with Kady again after not seeing each other since...June(?)...we are so SO very excited for our next get together, and because I'll finally probably have my smartphone by then, pictures will be posted :)
<3 Always,
Rose
