Today was hard. Alright, that was an understatement, today SUCKED. As I sat on my bed tonight, feeling alone, feeling that familiar ache in my heart, I wished more than anything that I could talk with Graham. So, I pulled out a paper and pen and did the next best thing, I wrote to him. I want to share it with you guys, but fair warning, it's not all gumdrops and lollipops!
Graham,
You've been gone almost two years, but it hasn't gotten any easier. Honestly, it's miserable, and unfair. I wake up every morning and go about my life like nothing's wrong, like everything is just perfect, but in reality, I have a hole in my heart that nothing and no one could ever fill, because I lost my brother. It's not fair! It's not fair that you never saw me graduate high school, or have my first job interview. It's not fair that you'll never get to see me go off to college, you'll never get to see me achieve my dreams, you'll never get to give the "big brother talk" as I head out on my first date, you'll never get to be there as Dad walks me down the aisle. You're going to miss out on so much of my life, and I've already missed out on so much of yours. Each important life event or milestone will hurt, more than anyone could know or imagine, but I have to hold my head high, and soldier on. As life continues to move, I move with it, whether I want to or not. Every day hurts, every hour, every minute, I am without my best friend, and my heart has been shattered. But, I try to pick up the pieces, because I want to be okay again. I want the pain to stop, I want to be happy again, but deep down, in my heart of hearts, I know that it'll never be the same, I will never be as happy as I was before all of this. There will be days like today, where the sadness, shock, grief, and anger just seem like it's too much to bear, so I sit back, and I let the waves of emotions cover me, because I know that it'll happen either way. But then, there will be days when God's rays of peace and of joy will penetrate through the dark, heavy cloud of depression to remind me that there WILL be a day, when there's no more pain, and the two of us will walk down the golden streets of Heaven hand in hand. This whole journey has taught me one BIG thing; joy is NOT synonymous with happiness. Happiness is a mountain top experience, happiness is when everything in your life seems to be going perfect, but most of all, joy is a feeling that is based off of raw emotion. Joy, however is a feeling based off of what we KNOW to be true. Joy is a gift that God gives us, joy is when everything seems to be crashing down around us, but we are at peace, because we can rest in the fact that GOD is in control, and his way is perfect, no matter WHAT. So, on days like today, when it seems impossible for me to be happy, it's hard, because I know you've never STOPPED wanting me to be happy. On days like today, I just have to keep reminding myself how much more important and valuable it is to have joy. As long as I have joy, I can keep going, I can hold my head up and smile, I can take on life's challenges. I know that it's not going to be easy, but I also know that the end result will be so much better than I ever could imagine.
<3 Always,
Rose
No comments:
Post a Comment