As we finished up our holiday tonight, my sister and I sat in the basement watching Irving Berlin's "White Christmas", and I don't know about her, but I for one, had tears streaming down my face. You see, "White Christmas" was our families "Christmas Story" equivalent, we would all snuggle up in our sleeping bags, three in a row like little sardines, and Mom and Dad would sit on the couches behind us, and we would all spend our Christmas Eve watching this classic together as a family. As we grew up, obviously, we all started to love this tradition, more and more. As the holiday season crept closer, we'd find ourselves humming and whistling those sweet little tunes that we knew by heart, those tunes that brought us so much joy and so much happiness, and just made the holiday season, Christmas in particular meaningful to us. However, Graham came to love "White Christmas" more than anyone in the family, he'd spend hours every day teaching himself how to play those melodies on the piano, and we'd all gather 'round the piano and sing along, almost like a scene you'd see IN the movie White Christmas! Of course, when Graham died, things were shaken, things that seemed normal to my sister and I and the boys all the sudden brought back painful memories, not only for the parents, but for my sister and I as well. So, last Christmas, almost 9 months since his passing, we decided to skip "White Christmas". It was hard, after a year of SO much change, to see something that I had known to be "routine" for literally every year of my life all the sudden go away, because I knew, if Graham was here, we'd be watching it, no doubt! This year, my sister and I decided, it was time. No matter how many painful memories this movie would bring up, it would also bring up good memories, memories of our childhood, and memories of comfort to us. If Graham could choose ANY song from this movie as his favorite, I know it would be "Blessings", and as I sat watching the wonderful Irving Berlin sing this song for what seemed to be the millionth time, something just clicked. Not only did Graham love this song, but Graham tried his best to LIVE this song, he tried to make the best of whatever situation he found himself in, and he wanted his siblings to do the same. This song in particular goes like this, "When I'm worried, and I can't sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep, and I'll fall asleep counting my blessings. When my bank roll is gettin' low, I think of when I had none at all, and I'll fall asleep counting my blessings." I know this was my brother reminding me ONCE AGAIN tonight to count my blessings, to count the ways that God has provided for us these two years(almost). Sure, life has NOT been easy, there have been times when I wanted SO much just to give up, just to be done here on Earth, and see my brother again, but I know, that can't be. I am here for a reason, and there is also a reason that he's NOT here, there WILL be a day that I get to see him again, but today is NOT that day! So, I challenge you, can you name 10 blessings that have taken place in the past 5 years?
1. The many, MANY conformations, visions, encouragements, and sympathy that we as a family received while Graham was in the hospital, and in the months following his death.
2. My brother was an awesome brother, in every sense of the word, and I am SO blessed to have had him for the time that I did. After he died, we found a small post-it note stuck to his desk in his dorm(pictured below), that reassured us of that!
3. My baptism. My baptism was not only very special to me, it was also very sentimental to me, it was a life changing event for me. My baptism just so happened to fall on the one year anniversary of his death, and when I found this out, I KNEW it would be something to remember. My baptism night, my baptism study that I walked through with my mentor, Emily, and just that feeling when I came out of the water that night, was embraced by Graham's girlfriend, and told, "The service ended at EXACTLY 8:23!"(Graham's official time of death)
4.My faith. My faith has been tried. Even before Graham, even before middle school, my faith has always been a HUGE part of my life. I remember, when I was in 1st grade, I snuck behind a bush with my friend who went to my church, to discuss "God" with him at recess one day, and as we were lining up, the teacher pulled us aside and told us that she was just astounded by our love for God.
5. God's provision for me this past year. This past year has NOT been easy for me, like at ALL. It has brought a lot of heartache, homesickness, loneliness, and just sadness, but God has held me through it all. For instance, a few days ago, when I didn't get into Wheaton, God gave me peace, while also giving me the freedom to feel. What I mean by this is that I realized simultaneously two things, one, it is ok to be sad, it's ok to be hurt, because anyone would! And second, life goes on, there will be a brighter day, and you are called to serve God not only in the brighter days, but also in the darker ones.
6. FRIENDS! God has given me another blessing this year, it is the gift of confidence and self-worth. Moving half-way across the country, after living in the same place for literally my entire life, I was devastated. I was sad, I was heartbroken, but I knew, deep, DEEP, down that this is where I needed to be. I was afraid that after moving here, I would sink deeper into depression, and struggle to put myself out there in the slightest, because even in Wheaton, in situations where I didn't know the people, (BELIEVE IT OR NOT!) I would actually be VERY quiet and shy. Surprisingly, the complete opposite happened when I moved down here! The very first Sunday we were here, I chose, on my own, to go to a youth part and meet people.
7. My relationship with my parents. Like every teenage girl, my relationship with my parents throughout my high school years was rocky at best, there were times that I just really thought I would not survive another "discreet reminder" that I needed to clean my room. However, as a Christian teenage girl, I had a much stronger relationship with my parents than other girls I knew, and this year has only HELPED to strengthen it!
8. Adrienne. A lot of you who have been reading my blogs since the beginning have heard about Adrienne a lot, but I really never get tired of talking about her, and how awesome she is! ;) I was blessed to find someone at our church, let alone the YOUTH DIRECTOR that grew up only a short 30 minutes from Wheaton, who knew all the "northern" slang and sayings that everyone else would just look at me like I'm from another planet if I said it. More than that, she KNEW what it felt like to move from a suburban city, filled with people and friends of all sorts, to a small, somewhat impoverished mountain town. Adrienne, I know you know how much you mean to me, so I'm not going to drag it out, let's just leave it at this. I love you, and seriously, without you, I would have NEVER made it through the move without going insane!
9. Elliot. All my life, I have wanted a dog with all my heart, and secretly envied anyone that DID have a dog. I am so thankful that I have been given a dog at JUST the right time in my life, and JUST the right dog at that!
10. The love never stops. I have been so encouraged by people near and far. Just when I feel like my problems are being forgotten in a world that is involved with their own problems, I wake up to a text from a friend, old or new, just reminding me that they love me, and they're praying for me, that right there means the world to me.
"I came from God, I belong to God, I am destined for God"
This quote was found on my brothers desk of his dorm at Wheaton.
<3 Always,
Rose
No comments:
Post a Comment