Day 168-169: New Year Ringing!

        Hey guys, so these past few days, I've been a bit under the weather, and didn't really have any energy to do much, which has given me a lot of time to think. I think about just how excited I was a year ago today to have the "year of death" end, and for a new slate, I was ready to move on. Then, I think about this year, and about how it met absolutely NONE of my expectations, but I just have to remind myself, am I perfect? Nope. Is God perfect? Yeah. So, as I thought through these past New Years Eve's, here a just a FEW of my many thoughts. 

         Another year over. I remember on New Year's Eve of last year, I was just so eager to start a new year, to have a fresh start, and to leave the horrible things that happened in 2013 IN 2013. Unfortunately, as I sit here a year later and write this, I know that that was wishful thinking, the sadness is still there, the memories are still there, and the pain is still there. Every day, every hour, every minute I miss him, but every day,every hour, and every minute I KNOW he is proud of me. This year has brought so much heartache, loneliness, sadness, and depression, but I have grown SO MUCH in the past 365 days, it is truly unbelievable. God was not done challenging me in my faith after taking Graham almost 2 years ago, but he also had a plan. He has been working in my life since day 1, through those 5 days in the hospital, and through this cross country adventure that we've embarked on. It has been so awesome for me to see how much I've changed since the end of 2013, Each and every struggle that I've faced have only drawn me closer and closer to God, even if it felt like it wasn't. That may seem like a contradiction, but I've seen so many times that those times that I just break down in anger and frustration with God, just wondering "Why? Why does my life have to be so gosh darn difficult?", it is then that he speaks to me and reminds me, God never said it would be easy. Do you think Jesus had a real easy life after being CRUCIFIED ON THE CROSS? Yeah...I don't think so...Anyways, this year has brought me much more joy and happiness than 2013 did, but it also brought me new challenges, challenges that at times I just didn't want to face, challenges that I thought I wouldn't be able to face, challenges that seemed impossible. But, here I am, still standing, I have weathered the storms of the past 2 years, and I have been praising God all the while. It was God that gave me the strength, confidence, and determination to accomplish these challenges that I never thought I could, it was God that gave me the gift of being able to find happiness and joy this year in the midst of all the sadness and homesickness, and it was GOD, that drew my family here, to Lenoir, to the church we go to, to the friends we have, and to this new adventure we have started. So, 2014, you thought you could bring me down?? Well, I am proud to say that as a daughter of the risen king, it takes a heck of a lot more than that to bring me down! " And I will praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands, for you are who you are, no matter where I am. Every tear I cry, you hold in your hands, you never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm."~Casting Crowns. Happy 2015 to all, a new year, a new day, and a fresh start! Remember, when the whole world seems to be crashing down around you as it often does, it may be time that your faith was challenged, so embrace all of these challenges with happiness, they are an opportunity to grow closer to God. "Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings, for we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character, HOPE." (Romans 5:3-5) Let's go 2015!!!

<3 Always,
Rose
         

Day 167- Skype dates in footie pajamas!!!

Hey guys, 

     Today, I got to skype with Rachel. For me, it really is the simple things that make me smile. After not having the most fantastic day, and being a tad bit under the weather, I felt pretty miserable and tired today. Listening to Rachel go on and on about the boys, in the same way that I go on and on about them, or that Caroline goes on and on about them, brought a smile to my face. Not only is Rachel the kind of friend who doesn't really care if your skypeing with her in your Eeyore footie pajamas because that's how miserable you feel, because she loves you THAT much, but she also loves the boys, just as much as she loves me, and sometimes, she loves the boys even MORE than I do. They are so incredibly lucky to have her as a third older sister, and I am so lucky to call her one of my closest friends, and one of the best, most honest, stand up, and quality people I have ever known! Rachel, talking with you today, hearing your voice, and just feeling so incredibly loved by you today when I was feeling pretty miserable today, made me realize how lucky I am to have such a wonderful person as one of my closest friends, and basically an extended part of my family, I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART RACHEL MIRANDA GUTIERREZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(If I got your middle name wrong, I'm sorry!!! I don't even know how I know that...)
<3 Always,
Rose

Day 165-166: Cousins

Hey guys!

    So, the past few days, I've been visiting family in Raleigh. My mom's side of the family is very interesting, because we really weren't very close with them, but through losing Graham and Clara's diagnosis, it has really brought us together. The weird thing is, although we don't spend LOADS of time together, the time we do get to spend together is so precious. Whether it's watching Clara's daughters dance around the room in their tu-tus I made them, or talking with Anna about her plans in the Netherlands, or even discussing the grossness of sun screen with Clara, (FINALLY SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN!!!)it is all so meaningful to me. You would never think that we grew up most of our lives only having met the other a few times, and that's what I love about my cousins. The connection is so awesome, and so unique, even though we don't see each other much, and our ages range all the way from the early 30's to me, at 19, and that's not even counting the younger ones, because let's be honest, they rarely leave the home theatre...Anyways, things that have made me happy these past few days are the connection I have with my cousins, even though they ARE a good deal older than me, they love me like their little sister, and will jump at a chance to pass on advice about hard things in life! I am so blessed to not only have an older sister, but I also have 4 old girl cousins who truly watch out for me as if I am their sister!

<3 Always,
Rose

Day 164: Memory Lane

Hey guys,

     One of the great things about living in North Carolina, is that we now have a much stronger love for where my Mom grew up, and we are able to imagine, at least a little bit, of what her life was like before kids. Today, we spent the day walking down memory lane with her, she took us to the park that she went to as a kid, showed us the church that she grew up going to, showed us her elementary school, middle school, and high schools, AND she was able to show us the three houses she lived in growing up. It was so much fun to see my Mom recognize landmarks that meant so much to her, and that brought back so much happiness for her.

<3 Always,
Rose

Day 162-163: Count your blessings!

Hey guys,

     As we finished up our holiday tonight, my sister and I sat in the basement watching Irving Berlin's "White Christmas", and I don't know about her, but I for one, had tears streaming down my face. You see, "White Christmas" was our families "Christmas Story" equivalent, we would all snuggle up in our sleeping bags, three in a row like little sardines, and Mom and Dad would sit on the couches behind us, and we would all spend our Christmas Eve watching this classic together as a family. As we grew up, obviously, we all started to love this tradition, more and more. As the holiday season crept closer, we'd find ourselves humming and whistling those sweet little tunes that we knew by heart, those tunes that brought us so much joy and so much happiness, and just made the holiday season, Christmas in particular meaningful to us. However, Graham came to love "White Christmas" more than anyone in the family, he'd spend hours every day teaching himself how to play those melodies on the piano, and we'd all gather 'round the piano and sing along, almost like a scene you'd see IN the movie White Christmas! Of course, when Graham died, things were shaken, things that seemed normal to my sister and I and the boys all the sudden brought back painful memories, not only for the parents, but for my sister and I as well. So, last Christmas, almost 9 months since his passing, we decided to skip "White Christmas". It was hard, after a year of SO much change, to see something that I had known to be "routine" for literally every year of my life all the sudden go away, because I knew, if Graham was here, we'd be watching it, no doubt! This year, my sister and I decided, it was time. No matter how many painful memories this movie would bring up, it would also bring up good memories, memories of our childhood, and memories of comfort to us. If Graham could choose ANY song from this movie as his favorite, I know it would be "Blessings", and as I sat watching the wonderful Irving Berlin sing this song for what seemed to be the millionth time, something just clicked. Not only did Graham love this song, but Graham tried his best to LIVE this song, he tried to make the best of whatever situation he found himself in, and he wanted his siblings to do the same. This song in particular goes like this, "When I'm worried, and I can't sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep, and I'll fall asleep counting my blessings. When my bank roll is gettin' low, I think of when I had none at all, and I'll fall asleep counting my blessings." I know this was my brother reminding me ONCE AGAIN tonight to count my blessings, to count the ways that God has provided for us these two years(almost). Sure, life has NOT been easy, there have been times when I wanted SO much just to give up, just to be done here on Earth, and see my brother again, but I know, that can't be. I am here for a reason, and there is also a reason that he's NOT here, there WILL be a day that I get to see him again, but today is NOT that day! So, I challenge you, can you name 10 blessings that have taken place in the past 5 years?

1. The many, MANY conformations, visions, encouragements, and sympathy that we as a family received while Graham was in the hospital, and in the months following his death.
2. My brother was an awesome brother, in every sense of the word, and I am SO blessed to have had him for the time that I did. After he died, we found a small post-it note stuck to his desk in his dorm(pictured below), that reassured us of that!
3. My baptism. My baptism was not only very special to me, it was also very sentimental to me, it was a life changing event for me. My baptism just so happened to fall on the one year anniversary of his death, and when I found this out, I KNEW it would be something to remember. My baptism night, my baptism study that I walked through with my mentor, Emily, and just that feeling when I came out of the water that night, was embraced by Graham's girlfriend, and told, "The service ended at EXACTLY 8:23!"(Graham's official time of death)
4.My faith. My faith has been tried. Even before Graham, even before middle school, my faith has always been a HUGE part of my life. I remember, when I was in 1st grade, I snuck behind a bush with my friend who went to my church, to discuss "God" with him at recess one day, and as we were lining up, the teacher pulled us aside and told us that she was just astounded by our love for God.
5. God's provision for me this past year. This past year has NOT been easy for me, like at ALL. It has brought a lot of heartache, homesickness, loneliness, and just sadness, but God has held me through it all. For instance, a few days ago, when I didn't get into Wheaton, God gave me peace, while also giving me the freedom to feel. What I mean by this is that I realized simultaneously two things, one, it is ok to be sad, it's ok to be hurt, because anyone would! And second, life goes on, there will be a brighter day, and you are called to serve God not only in the brighter days, but also in the darker ones.
6. FRIENDS! God has given me another blessing this year, it is the gift of confidence and self-worth. Moving half-way across the country, after living in the same place for literally my entire life, I was devastated. I was sad, I was heartbroken, but I knew, deep, DEEP, down that this is where I needed to be. I was afraid that after moving here, I would sink deeper into depression, and struggle to put myself out there in the slightest, because even in Wheaton, in situations where I didn't know the people, (BELIEVE IT OR NOT!) I would actually be VERY quiet and shy. Surprisingly, the complete opposite happened when I moved down here! The very first Sunday we were here, I chose, on my own, to go to a youth part and meet people.
7. My relationship with my parents. Like every teenage girl, my relationship with my parents throughout my high school years was rocky at best, there were times that I just really thought I would not survive another "discreet reminder" that I needed to clean my room. However, as a Christian teenage girl, I had a much stronger relationship with my parents than other girls I knew, and this year has only HELPED to strengthen it! 
8. Adrienne. A lot of you who have been reading my blogs since the beginning have heard about Adrienne a lot, but I really never get tired of talking about her, and how awesome she is! ;) I was blessed to find someone at our church, let alone the YOUTH DIRECTOR that grew up only a short 30 minutes from Wheaton, who knew all the "northern" slang and sayings that everyone else would just look at me like I'm from another planet if I said it. More than that, she KNEW what it felt like to move from a suburban city, filled with people and friends of all sorts, to a small, somewhat impoverished mountain town. Adrienne, I know you know how much you mean to me, so I'm not going to drag it out, let's just leave it at this. I love you, and seriously, without you, I would have NEVER made it through the move without going insane!
9. Elliot. All my life, I have wanted a dog with all my heart, and secretly envied anyone that DID have a dog. I am so thankful that I have been given a dog at JUST the right time in my life, and JUST the right dog at that!
10. The love never stops. I have been so encouraged by people near and far. Just when I feel like my problems are being forgotten in a world that is involved with their own problems, I wake up to a text from a friend, old or new, just reminding me that they love me, and they're praying for me, that right there means the world to me.

"I came from God, I belong to God, I am destined for God"

This quote was found on my brothers desk of his dorm at Wheaton.

<3 Always,

Rose

Day 161- The greatest grandma EVER!

Hey guys,

     So, this morning/early afternoon, my grandma stopped by! We hadn't seen her in a while, and she brought food, so we were pretty excited ;) After lunch, my Mom and I and her got to talking, about some pretty tough stuff, about me staying home next year and doing community college. Community college has never really appealed to me, mainly because I love my brothers and all, but there are times when I just need to get away, and be on my own, and NOT have to worry about being a big sister, and worry about what the boys are doing. I want to have the freedom to do what I want to do! She reminded me today though, that if I DID do community college, it wouldn't be like it is right now, where I spend a LOT of time at home, with nothing to do. I would have extracurriculars, classes, work, church, and possibly even my own car! Home would be the place where I would essentially eat and sleep, and it would be a FREE place to eat and sleep. Education really is basically the same wherever you go, there's no magic formula that Yale and Harvard and Princeton have that all the other colleges don't, so why pay $40 thousand dollars a year, when you can pay 6 thousand, or even less?? I am so grateful that I do have a Grandma that cares for me, wants what's best for me, and wants to see me succeed in everything I do, because I know alot of people that DON'T have that. I am so blessed that Grandma IS only an hour and a half away, and I get to see her fairly often, because that is a luxury that not everyone gets! 

<3 always,
Rose

Day 160- WINTER!

Hey guys,

     So, I know for all you people in Chicago, you are probably ALREADY sick of Winter, but here in NC, it hasn't really started...sure, it's cold, like probably mid-30's, but nott cold enough for snow. You may think I'm crazy for saying this(heck, you may think I'm crazy regardless...), but I MISS the snow! It makes me so sad that we will NOT have a White Christmas this year! This afternoon though, we got to pretend, for JUST a little bit that it was cold enough for snow :) We drove up to Appalachian Ski Mountain(or "App" as it's known here...) where they make artificial snow, and got to go ice skating, OUTSIDE!!!! It got me super excited that it will EVENTUALLY snow here, and at the same time, it made me grateful that it hasn't yet!

<3 Always,
Rose